You've Got Voicemail!
by FrostFire15
Summary: Give the Clans some cell phones and what do you get? Prank calling, horrible ringtones, annoyed toms in Starclan, and a crazy new prophecy that is sure to end the warrior world as we know it - until the appropriate cat saves everyone, of course. Ha, and you thought that AIMS and emails were bad...
1. Firestar 1

7-27-12- Updating all of the chapters, correcting horrible grammar.

* * *

**You've Got Voice Mail!- Warriors Style**

**By Frost Fire 15**

_Hello, you have reached Firestar, Leader of Thunderclan. As you can see, I am not here. Please leave a message after the beep. _**BEEP!**

**You have 3 new messages.**

"Hey, Firestar, Onestar here. I was just wondering when the next gathering should be. We can't do next moon-high 'cause Leopardstar has an appointment at the spa, and... Blackstar's going with her or something. Kinda strange, isn't it? Anyway, call me back." _Beep._

"Hi, Dad, it's me, Squirrelflight, and I was wondering if you could get me a-" _Beep._** Message deleted.**

"This is your kitty-pet owner, Rusty. I know its been about 3 years, but I'm calling to make sure that you don't forget to come home and eat your disgusting dinner that looks like poop. Call back soon!" _Beep._

**End of Messages.**

Firestar glared at his cell phone. When will his kitty-pet owners leave him alone? And how is Leopardstar going to the spa with Blackstar? Nothing made sense. Firestar opened his phone and dialed a number. He might as well tell the clan about the gathering.


	2. Graystripe 1

_Hi, it's Graystripe. Uh, I'm not here, so- uh, leave a message after the beep, I guess... _**BEEP!**

**You have 4 new messages.**

"Uh, hello? Hello? _What do you mean wrong number_- Anyone there? Um… Is your refrigerator run- _shut up Cloudtail_- uh, um... Right- Is your refrigerator running? Then you better go catch it! Bahaha- Wait, crap this isn't Dustpelt, its Graystripe-" _Beep! _**Message deleted.**

"Hi, Graystripe, it's Firestar. We can't have a gathering tomorrow 'cause Leopardstar and Blackstar are going to the spa together. I thought you'd be in camp but I guess not. If you've run off to that catnip patch again, I'm going to kill you." _Beep!_

"55 bottles of beer on the wall, 55 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 54 bottles of beer on the wall. 54 bottles of beer on the wall, 54 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 53 bottles of beer on the wall. 53 bottles of beer on the wall, 53 bottles of beer, take one down, pass it around, 52 bottles of be"- _BEEP! _**Message deleted.**

"Graystripe, this is Thornclaw. Are you sure we can't punish Cloudtail for singing that stupid song, because, if not, its a little too late. Nothing serious, just light torture and humiliation. Can you tell Firestar for me? And don't tell him I'm involved. Cloudtail totally deserved it but I'd rather not be killed by our leader for messing with his nephew. Thanks." _BEEP!_

**End of messages.**

Graystripe set down his phone and let out a deep sigh. Why did everyone come to him for a favor? And he hated Cloudtail especially at the moment.


	3. Dustpelt 1

_Hello, you've reached Dustpelt. I'm not here, so if you are prank calling, press 3. Cloudtail, if you even think about singing about bottles of beer in my mailbox, I'll tell Thornclaw. You don't want me to tell Thornclaw. If this call is actually important, press 5._

**You have 10 new messages.**

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" Beep.

"Then you better let him out! Hey, I think I'm getting better at prank calling." Beep.

"Just to let you know, Dustpelt, this is Firestar, and the gathering's been delayed because of Leopardstar's and Blackstar's _interesting_ visit to the spa. I know, scary. But Sandstorm is apparently going, too. Maybe she'll be able to find something interesting." Beep.

"Is your refrigerator running?" Beep.

"Then you better go catch it!" Beep.

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" Beep.

"'Cause Dustpelt is a smelly foxd-" Beep! **Message Deleted.**

"I like eggs." Beep.

"The itsy, bitsy Dustpelt went up the water spout. Down came the rain and washed the Dustpelt out. Out came the sun and dried up all the rain, so the itsy, bitsy Dustpelt wen-"

Dustpelt roared and threw his cell phone mid-message. The Razor crashed onto some random rock, breaking apart (it was his 5th, all of which he broke himself). Dustpelt stalked over to Firestar's den. The prank calling had to stop. And he knew who was doing it.

Spiderleg.


	4. Brambleclaw 1

Spiderleg giggled evilly. He was curled up underneath a bush and looked quite the mysterious schemer, if he said so himself. Slowly, he picked up his cell phone and dialed a number.

_Hi, this is Brambleclaw's messaging machine. I'm probably busy doing something heroic. Leave a message after the highly annoying beep. Beep!_

**You have 2 new messages.**

"Hello, son. You better kill Firestar and take over the clan or I'll...RIP YOUR BODY LIMB FROM LIMB! MUAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE PROBLEMS!" Beep.

"Hey, Brambo, This is Squirrelflight, just wanted to tell you that I'm totally dating Hawkfrost and he has such a cooler nickname than you. If you have a problem with that, come to the training hollow at sunhigh tomorrow." Beep.

Brambleclaw stared at his phone in disbelief. Squirrelflight was dating _Hawkfrost?_ He sooo had a problem with that. He turned and raced to the training hollow.


	5. Squirrelflight 1

Spiderleg could hardly keep himself from laughing like Cloudtail- I mean, er, like a maniac. Which he was. Luckily, nocat was around to see the warrior laughing to himself underneath a bush. Whatever. Anyway, his over-enthusiastic laugh meant that his evil voicemail plan for taking over the clan was working.

_Hi! This is Squirellflight's answering machine. If I'm not here right now, then leave a message after the beep! BEEP!_

**You have 3 new messages.**

"Squirrels who try to fly crash into trees." _BEEP!_

"Hello! This is Takee Outee Chinese Resturant and we have your order of Mongolian Mice with a side of Spring Voles. It will cost 5,000 mouse tails. You may come and pick it up anytime!" _BEEP!_

"Hey, Squirrelflight, this is Brambleclaw. To be honest with you, you're ugly, you smell like fox dung, you're weak, you're annoying, and to top it off, you snore. So, I'm dumping you for Feathertail. If you have a problem with that, meet me at the training hollow at sunhigh." _BEEP!_

Squirrelflight couldn't believe what she was hearing. "Brambleclaw..." she whispered. And without a second thought, she raced over to the training hollow.


	6. The Fight

"Brambleclaw." The word was hissed out with hatred gushing out of every syllable.

"Squirrelflight." Brambleclaw wanted to sound dramatic as well.

"How could you?" Squirrelflight yowled. "I loved you! And you dump me for _Feathertail?_ She's not even alive!"

"What are you talking about?" Brambleclaw screeched, his voice reaching supersonic levels. A flock of startled birds flew away above their heads, but neither noticed. "I should be angry! You said Hawkfrost had a cooler nickname than me. _Nobody has a cooler nickname than me._"

"Wait..." Squirrelflight was confused. "I got a voicemail from you saying-"

"Oh, yeah? Well, I got a voicemail from you, too." Brambleclaw frowned. "Something strange is happening."

"I never sent you a voicemail." Squirrelflight replied.

Brambleclaw opened his cell phone and showed Squirrelflight the message. "Listen to this."

_""Hey, Brambo, This is Squirrelflight, just wanted to tell you that I'm totally dating Hawkfrost and he has such a cooler nickname than you. If you have a problem with that, come to the training hollow at sunhigh tomorrow." Beep."_

"I never sent you that..." Squirrelflight meowed. Then it both hit them.

"I recognize that voice..." Brambleclaw mewed fiercely.

Squirrelflight growled. "Next time we see Spiderleg, we rip _off_ his legs. Agreed?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, but before we do that, do you want some Chinese food?"


	7. Crowfeather 1

_Hello, you've reached Crowfeather of Windclan. Don't leave a message. I probably won't listen to it. BEEP!_  
**  
You have 5 new messages.**

"Hey Crowfeather, its Mothwing. Just calling to say we now have four healthy kits! Love ya." _BEEP!_

"Crowfeather? Is it TRUE?" _BEEP!_

"Sorry for the outburst before. It's Leafpool. By the way, Luckypaw and Hawkpaw are coming over to see you. After all, they are your kin. Call back." _BEEP!_

"CROWFEATHERI'LLKILLYOUFORWHATYOUDIDTOMYSIS- Brambleclaw? What are you- (yowls, screams, and snarling. A pause.) Sorry Crowfeather, it's Brambleclaw. I had to kill Hawkfrost; he's being evil again. You'd think he'd get over it but I guess we've been too forgiving." _BEEP!_

"Crowfeather, this is Feathertail! I thought you loved me! And I was okay with Leafpool, but every female in the forest? I hate you!" _BEEP!_

**End of Messages.**

"What the...?" A stunned Crowfeather sputtered. "I don't have any kits?" He thought for a moment. "Or do I...?"


	8. The Gathering Part 1

Firestar padded infront of his of his clan, traveling to the island. He sighed. It was that crazy time again. He hoped that Blackstar... ugh. Firestar shivered. That last gathering gave him nightmares. He made a mental note to remind Sandstorm to tell the clans what she had seen at the spa...

"Firestar?" a voice said next to him. "What do we do with our cell phones?"

"Uh..." Firestar thought for a second. "Put them on vibrate, Brambleclaw. We don't want that _incident_ again." He glared at Cloudtail. The other clan cats looked angrily at Cloudtail, too.

The fluffy white tom looked around surprised at all the annoyed cats. "What?"

The flame-colored cat sighed. Again. "You know how much I hate Fergie."

Thornclaw sniggered. "Yeah, Cloudtail. Onestar was talking about two new apprentices and then suddenly you hear," he mimicked a high-pitched girly voice,"Fergalicious definition- make them boys go loco-"

"Okay, Thornclaw, we've arrived at the gathering. You can stop now." Leafpool mewed, setting her phone to vibrate.

Firestar nodded to every cat as they were about to enter the island. "Before we cross the tree, I want you to put your phones on vibrate. No checking voicemails, no text messaging, no chewing gum-"

"What's gum?" some random cat asked.

"Gum: Any of various viscid, amorphous exudations from plants, hardening on exposure to air and soluble in or forming a viscid mass with water. Alternate definitions include any of various similar exudations, as resin, a rubber overshoe or boot or to spoil or ruin." meowed Brakenfur proudly.

All the cats stared. "Wow..."

Firestar coughed. "Thank you Brakenfur. Alright, let's go." As the cats crossed the tree trunk into the island, the flame colored leader looked around.

Cats from all clans were exchanging cell phone numbers, laughing, and joking around.

"Firestar!" a voice called.

He turned around. "Hi, Onestar." He replied.

Onestar nodded warmly. "Hey, did you pass out your new Razors ™?"

"Yep." Firestar replied. "Our razors are gold. What color is Windclan's?"

"Silver." Onestar answered. He spotted Leopardstar and Blackstar. Onestar narrowed his eyes. "They better have a good reason for that trip to the spa."

Firestar purred. "Sandstorm has a very interesting story."

Onestar looked interested. "Really?"

"Well… I actually didn't hear it, but I bet it will be good!" Firestar giggled.

Most cats would've been disgusted with Firestar's giggle, but Onestar grinned at his "friend"- partner in crime- instead. "Great. Then let's start the gathering quickly so we can hear it."

The two toms bounded onto the tree, and the other leader followed suit.

"WE MEET BENEATH SILVERPELT, COMMANDED BY THE TRUCE OF THE FULL MOON." Firestar yowled, paused, and added, "AND OUR BRAND- NEW RAZORS!"

Cats yowled in agreement, and settled down to listen.

Leopardstar started first. "Welcome to the gathering. First off, I'd like to ask all the leaders what their Razor color is and if they handed them out to all warriors and apprentices."

"Yeah, I handed them out." Firestar mewed, looking very smug with himself. "We got gold razors. Pretty cool, huh?"

"We got silver razors. And I handed them out." Onestar replied.

"I handed our blue razors out." Leopardstar purred. She turned to Blackstar. "What about you, Blackstar?"

"Black razors." He grunted.

"Emo." A Riverclan apprentice muttered, and then was promptly socked in the head by his mentor.

Onestar stepped forward, and almost fell off the tree branch. He recovered quickly, embarrassed. "Well, at the last gathering, we discussed the pros and cons of switching from Sprint to Cingu-"

_Do you like Waffles? _

_Yeah I like waffles!_

_Do you like pancakes?_

_Yeah I lik-_

Blackstar ducked his head sheepishly as all the cats stared at him. "Ha. Sorry about that… New ringtone."

Firestar sighed. And he though the Jonas Brothers were bad.

* * *

Watching from Silverpelt, Bluestar glared down at the cats on the island. Next to her were Spottedleaf, Oakheart, and Yellowfang.

"Didn't you _tell_ Blackstar how to properly use his phone?" Bluestar mewed, exasperated.

Yellowfang rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I did, but he told me that he didn't care."

Bluestar sighed. "Well, I guess that it can't be helped." She turned to Oakheart. "Did you get my voicemail?"

Oakheart growled.

"What's wrong?" Bluestar asked.

Oakheart growled.

Spottedleaf coughed (can cats cough?). "Erm, Oakheart and the other toms are a little angry at the moment."

"Why?" Yellowfang and Bluestar said at the same time.

"Because all the cats in StarClan got hot pink Razors." The former medicine cat mewed.

"Oh. Right." Bluestar mewed.

Oakheart growled again.


	9. The Gathering Part 2

"Hello? Hello? What, what? My phone's been stolen? What in the name of the Moonstone are you talking about?"

The cats in the gathering glanced at each other with knowing looks, while all of the Shadowclan cats looked genuinely puzzled.

"My phone has NOT been stolen! It's in my paws right now." There was a pause. "I'm on the phone that's been 'stolen' right now." Blackstar's snowy ears twitched in puzzlement. "What? I stole the phone? What are you talking about? Wait, wait, did you say this phone's going to be disconnected now? Wha-" A faint click was heard, then a loud, crackling static noise burst from the phone.

"OW!" Blackstar yowled at the top of his lungs, dropping the black razor (still making the horrid noise) from his perch on the tree. "What in the name of Starclan was THAT?"

Onestar and Firestar exchanged glances. "Prank call." Firestar mewed softly, nodding his head knowingly.

"'Prank' call?" Blackstar tipped his to the side, suddenly looking very innocent and kitten-like, even with him killing, like, half of the cats in the first series.

Anyway, I digress.

"Yes, a prank call." Onestar tipped his head as well. "You don't know what a prank call is?"

"Well, you know what they say, Shadowclan has no sense of humor." Cloudtail muttered to himself.

Spiderleg nodded in agreement, then looked instantly remorseful when the pretty Shadowclan she-cat next to him gave him a look of disgust and moved away.

"What is this 'sense of humor' you speak of?" Blackstar asked.

Everyone stared.

Blackstar sighed. "I was kidding." The white tom licked his paw and drew it over his ear. "But seriously, what is a prank call?"

The three other leaders put their heads together had a quick meeting.

"How do we explain it to him? How in the world do you explain a prank call?" Onestar whispered frantically, his single whisker twitching.

"I don't know!" Leopardstar muttered back. "Does 'Prank Call' even have a definition?"

"Wait..." Firestar looked out at the crowd of cats, who were looking at the meeting leaders with great (fake) interest. "Brackenfur? You out there?"

"What is it that you importune so voluminously, my cognizant eminence?"

"What in the name of my forever-growling stomach did he say?" That one Riverclan elder named Loudbelly asked.

"Wait a second, how did Loudbelly get here? I thought we left him in the old territory!"

"What old territory?"

"There was an old territory?"

"Who wants Nicole?"

"Wait, but I wanted pancakes for dinner, not toast!"

"Toast? OMG I know, Syesha Mercado is SO toast in the next episode of American Idol."

"SILENCE!" A very annoyed (oh my gosh, how new) Blackstar yowled at the top of his lungs. "Now, you-" he turned toward the 3 other leaders. Firestar cringed. Blackstar did have huge, scary white paws after all. "Firestar, get that overly- smart warrior of yours to tell me what a prank call is."

Firestar coughed, trying to look dignified (which he failed) . "Yes, Brackenfur, please tell us the definition of a prank call."

"As you begrudge, Firestar." Brakenfur turned (or with his high vocabulary, PIVOTED) towards the touchy Shadowclan leader. "A **prank call,** also known as a **crank call**, **hoax call**, **phony call**, or **phony phone call** is a form of practical joke committed over the telephone. As with all practical jokes, prank calls are generally done for humorous effect."

" I see." Blackstar mewed. With an angry glare, he turned towards the other leaders. "So this is your idea of a joke, isn't it."

"What are you talking about, Blackstar?" Leopardstar meowed, alarmed.

"YOU and your prank calls!" Blackstar sneered. "You were planning this the entire time, weren't you! Planning to take over Shadowclan by prank calling our phones?"

"Actually, that was Spiderle-MMPH!" Firestar sputtered as Onestar slapped his tail in the ginger leader's mouth.

"We can't tell him!" Onestar muttered in Firestar's ear. "It will just make things worse."

"Oh, so now you're planning MORE things against our clan, eh? Well you know what? This is the end of the gathering. Shadowclan is going home." Blackstar jumped down from the tree, retrieved his (broken) Razor, and, with his clan following him, crossed over the tree bridge and went off into the sunset. Even though it was the middle of night.

"Poo." Onestar sighed to Firestar as they jumped down from the tree. "We never got to ask Sandstorm about the spa."

"Onestar, I think that there are more important things right now!" The flame-colored leader muttered. "Blackstar's angry. I don't trust his huge white paws."

_And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I'm startin-_

"Hold on, I have a call." Firestar took out his golden Razor, which somehow switched itself on even though he turned it off before the gathering.

Haha. How mysterious.

"Hello?"

"Hi, can I speak with Leon?"

"Leon? What a strange name. Well, no, Leon isn't here."

"Leon? Hey, that's my name too!"

"Eh, wait, what? What in the name of-"

"Wow! We really have a lot in common already! Your name is Leon, my name is Leon, it fits!"

"...Look, I don't know who you are, or why you're calling my phone, but I'm not Leon, I'm Firestar. And I don't know anyone named Leon."

"Hey, you know, um, maybe we could catch a movie later or something...?"

"..."

"Leon? You there?"


	10. Mayhem and a Prophecy

"Let all cats gather here over the stars near the Water of the Stars." Bluestar yowled.

Well, that was the _old_ way of calling all of the Starclan cats. But now that they have Razors...

_Baby hit me one more t-_

Tallstar (disdainfully) picked up his **HOT PINK** Razor and flipped it open.

_Hey, TStr._ _Sup? W/e. mt mi wtr ov th strs. Iv gt imprtnt prchecy 2 tll evry1. kk g2g txt evry1 els luv u biiii_

(Translation: Hey, Tallstar, what's up? What ever. Meet me at Water of the Stars. I've got an Important Prophecy to tell everyone. Okay, I've got to go; I need to text everyone else. Love you. Bye.)

Tallstar (who was this close to converting and moving to the Dark Forest- hey, at least they got **red **Razors) grimaced. Text messaging. Another evil way to take over the world below him. The former WindClan leader prayed to StarClan (quite forgetting that he was in StarClan, so there was no point in praying anyway) that nothing horribly bad would happen because of the accursed phones.

"I'm glad everyone got my text message." Bluestar meowed when everycat was gathered around the Water of the Stars. There was grumbling coming from the seated toms.

"Bluestar, this is ridiculous." Deadfoot groaned. "PINK Razors? Are you kidding me? I thought that Starclan was for the GOOD cats, yet we get tortured by this?" His speech was met with nodding heads and agreeing mews from the toms.

"What's wrong with pink?" a light creamy colored she-cat asked.

All of the males in the clearing with the Water of the Stars shuddered.

"What's WRONG? With pink?" Runningwind yowled. "It's totally embarrassing! I can bet you a couple mousetails that the cats in the Dark Forest are laughing their muzzles off at our girly pink razors!"

In an evil-looking forest, a dark tabby tom who went by the name of Tigerstar sneezed. And then laughed at Starclan and their girly razors. And then he sneezed again.

"Well, what other color is there?" Bluestar shot back. "Thunderclan has gold, Windclan has silver, Riverclan has blue, Shadowclan has black, and the cats of the Dark Forest have red. Can you think of any other Razor color?"

Everycat thought for a moment.

"White?" a tom said.

"Do they even have white Razors?" Spottedleaf asked.

"Dunno." Yellowfang answered. "Anyway, even if there are white Razors, we don't have nearly enough money to pay for another couple hundred Razors. Seriously, we have every clan cat _ever_ here. Do you know how many of us there are?" All of the she-cats nodded their heads in agreement, while the toms moaned.

"Anyway," Spottedleaf meowed, "We need to come up with a prophecy." Suddenly, everycat in the clearing looked up at the medicine cat, their eyes gleaming. Coming up with prophecies that made no sense until it actually happened was the favorite pastime of Starclan.

"Okay, any ideas?" Bluestar yowled.

Everycat thought for a couple of moments.

"Um, how about, _there will be three; kin of your kin; who hold the power of Wi-Fi in their paws._" Deadfoot suggested.

Oakheart winced. "No way!"

"Fine. Make your own." Deadfoot growled.

"I think I will." Oakheart said smugly. "_Razors alone can, save our clans_."

"Sorry, Oakheart, but I think that's the worst prophecy I've ever heard." Tallstar meowed.

"There's always: _Four will become two, Lion and Tiger will meet in battle, and Razors will rule the forest._" Gorsepaw mewed.

"That's worse than Oakheart's, and that sure is saying something." Lionheart exclaimed.

"Hey!" Gorsepaw and Oakheart crowed at the same time.

"Before there is peace, Razor will fight Razor, and T-Mobile will turn red?"

"Frostfur, seriously, do you honestly think that prophecy will actually make sense?"

"Well, sorry, Runningwind, at least I'm trying!"

"Erm, well, I can't think of any right now!"

And as the squabbling between the StarClan cats went on and on, claws began to be unsheathed and fangs were bared. As the former clan cats started to battle...

"STOP!" Bluestar yowled at the top of her voice. All of the cats stopped growling and turned to look at her. Next to the ex-Thunderclan leader was as small blue-gray kit with green eyes. "Mosskit has a prophecy and it's actually relevant. I think that all of us are going to like it." She gently nudged the small kit. "Go on, say it."

Mosskit captivated everyone with shining emerald eyes.

"_Beware eight legs and lucky hawks,_

_Or else the power of Razors can never be stopped_

_Only the might of clans combined_

_Can stop the evil before we die."_ Mosskit coughed. "The end."

There was silence as the prophecy's words sank in, and slowly, cats started to turn and murmur in low mews. They weren't actually saying anything though. Soft murmurs after the introduction of the prophecy were a big part of the ritual.

Oakheart nodded solemnly. "Bluestar," He meowed, his eyes glinting. "I think we have a prophecy."

* * *

REVIEW OR ELSE MOSSKIT WILL EAT YOU.


	11. Tigerstar

_Greetings. You've reached Tigerstar's voicemail. I am not here right now- Hold on, is that Darkstripe? (Tigerstar! I'VE FOUND YOU!) Oh nonononono just leave a message. If you don't hear back in a day, tell my family to avenge my sanity and kill Darkstripe. _**BEEP.**

**You have 5 new messages.**

"Hello, Tigger, this is Bluestar. We've come up with a confusing prophecy. I just thought you should hear it, well, 'cause this is your time to start chaos and stuff like that. So. The prophecy is "Beware eight legs and lucky hawks, Or else the power of the Razors can never be stopped, Only the might of the clans combined, can stop the evil before we die. Yeah, go do your stuff." Beep.

"...7 days..." Beep. **Message deleted.**

"WHERE IS NICOLE? I WANT NICOLE! YOU TOLD ME YOU WOULD HOOK ME UP WITH NICOLE! ARE YOU KEEPING NICOLE TO YOURSELF! ARE YOU NICOLE! I WANT NIC-" Beep. **Message deleted.**

"If you were suddenly transported to the sun because of an evil scheme devised by an evil Russian chicken and asked to recite the presidents in alphabetical order by their middle name while juggling 11 midgets holding soda cans between your two front teeth that will be operated on by 86 evil Czechoslovakian dentists named Farkus who got their degrees studying the taste buds of Tom Selleck at a college named after some guy who wasted away his life by eating pork grinds in his mom's basement while searching for pictures of Kirsten Dunst to use for purposes that cannot be explained by the 1972 Junior High class of some school that no one cares about in Eastern Idaho where woodland creatures choose to spend their lives trying to recreate some bad 1940's soap opera instead of frolicking happily in the woods, would you prefer chocolate ice cream or vanilla?" Beep. **Message deleted.**

"Should pillow fights be banned? Hi, I am Stacy Sue, and I am a firm supporter of Pillow Rights and believe that the hitting of objects with pillows is an act of cruelty. When will the abuse be stopped! So please, join the BPOHIR, the Believers of Pillow and Other Household Item Rights." Beep. **Message deleted.**

**End of Messages.**

Tigerstar groaned. "Those stupid clan cats. Forever prank calling me and leaving me moronic messages." His amber eyes glinted dangerously. "But now is the PERFECT time to make my revenge. MUAAAALOLROFLLMAOGASP-"

Suddenly his phone started ringing.

_Hey Hey!  
You! You!  
I don't like your girlfriend.  
No w-_

He picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Yes?"

"I- What?"

"Yes, hello, sir. Can I help you?"

"...You called me."

"No, I'm sure you called me. What can I help you with?"

Tigerstar growled. "No, you called me."

"Look, if you don't want to tell me what you want, then I'm just gonna hang up."

_Click._

Tigerstar stared down at the RED (not pink) Razor. "That was weird."

_Hey Hey!  
You! You!  
I don't like your girlfriend.  
No -_

Tigerstar groaned. "Hello?"

"You again? If you don't stop calling me, I'm gonna talk to my manager. You got that?"

This was going to be a long day.


	12. 4 years, 4G, and 4shadowing

****Well, I bet this was the last thing you were ever expecting. I love those 4 year hiatuses.

* * *

**Approximately 4 years later.**

Dingdingdingding! DINGDINGDING! _DING! __DING! __**DING! DING DING DING DING! $*!*%!**_

Firestar groaned and looked down at his golden razor, which was lying in its own little moss bed next to Firestar's. It was vibrating and blinking, the wonderful sound of...dinging... streaming from it (which is a GREAT thing to wake up to), with the current time on it's screen, along with a text message from... '588-258-7827'?

Did you know that '588-258-7827' spells out "LUV-BLUSTAR"? What an odd coincidence.

Firestar buried his head under his mossy bed, trying to block out the horrible (or as Brackenfur would say, 'execrable', 'nefarious', or maybe even 'abhorrent') noise coming from the phone. "Shut up!" He yowled. _WHY DO YOU HATE ME? _Firestar screamed in his head. _IT'S 5 A.M! WHO TEXTS PEOPLE AT 5 AM? WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE! I WAS AT A GATHERING LAST NIGHT? __**WHY DO YOU HATE ME? **_

Leafpool raced into the leader's den, her fur standing on end. "Firestar!" she cried, sounding at the verge of panic at the leader's state. Then she looked at the (pathetic) scene in front of her. "Oh." She opened and closed the Razor to make it stop beeping. The **DING!-**ing stopped. "I thought you were going crazy or something."

"I WAS ABOUT TO GO CRAZY!" Firestar yowled. "HOW CAN ANYCAT GET SLEEP WITH THOSE INFERNAL RAZORS? No one even uses them anymore." He buried his head deeper into the moss, muttering something about 'iPhones' and '4G'.

"Leafpool gasped. "How could you Firestar? How could you curse these beautiful things? Starclan will be MAD."

As it to accentuate her point, the ground underneath them rumbled ominously.

"W-what was that?" Firestar stuttered, looking at the ground.

"What was what?"

"That rumble."

"Oh, that was just your phone vibrat-"

Ding! DING! _DING! __DING! __**DING! DING DING DING DING!**_

Firestar grabbed the Razor and opened it. "Ugh!"

"What?"

"Some person I don't know keeps texting me!"

"Who?"

"...You obviously weren't paying attention to what I just said, were you." Firestar meowed dryly, reading the message.

_Hi frst its me blustr wts up!1 im jc w/ stcln. Dnt 4get bout tht prphcy I kno its been lyk 4 yrs but srsly gt it over w/. Its 'bwre 8 lgs nd lcky hwks or els teh pwer ov rzrs cn nvr b stpped only teh miht ov clns cmbnd cn stp teh evl b4 we dei. Ttyl! B4n 333_

(Translation: Hi, Firestar, it's me, Bluestar. What's up? I'm just chilling with Starclan. I know it's been like 4 years but seriously get it over with. It's 'Beware 8 legs and lucky hawks, or else the power of Razors can never be stopped. Only the might of clans combined can stop the evil before we die. Talk to you later! Bye for now. [Heart])

Firestar stared down at it. "In the name of Starclan, do you have any idea what that means?"

"No, but what I do know is that someone just succeeded in butchering our language." Leafpool winced down at the wild array of symbols that somehow lacked proper vowel placement. "Look at the other text message. Maybe it'll make things clearer."

_BTW frst dnt dis strcln or els well do bd thngs 2 u!1 bwere!_

(Translation: By the way, Firestar, don't diss Starclan or else we'll do bad things to you! Beware!)

Firestar gave a confused look a Leafpool. Leafpool just shrugged. "Just go with it."

The ginger tom sighed. "Leafpool, I've been thinking. What if…" He stopped, shaking his head. "No, that's impossible."

Leafpool cocked her head to the side, curious. "What is it? Please, Firestar, I'm a medicine cat. I'm supposed to help you get answers."

"Do you ever-" He leaned in closer, his eyes widening in fear. "Do you ever feel like we've been utterly ignored by the author for over four years?"

"No!" She snapped, shocked. "How could anyone ignore us for four years? We were such an integral part of the author's life…"

Firestar didn't look convinced. "I don't know," He meowed slowly. "I feel lost and confused. Apparently I died in the last book. How in the world is the author going to incorporate these changes? Plus, last I heard, Razors are considered extremely low-tech these days. Everyone's interested in these… Smartphone-things."

Leafpool gently licked his ears. "Don't worry, father. I will still love you, even if you are technologically backwards."

The ginger tom gazed at her mournfully. "Do you think the other leaders will still like me?"

"Of course," She lied. _Stupid tom._


	13. Forsooth, Indeed Thunderously!

I can't believe I'm actually keeping this up. Wow. Here's chapter 13!

* * *

Meanwhile in Starclan…

"These," Bluestar yowled, "are Androids. Razors are ancient and nobody uses them anymore. But we have negotiated with Microsoftclan and bought these for all of us."

"Do they come in pink?" A she-cat in the vast crowd (seriously, its every dead clan cat ever) asked.

There was a pause. "No." Bluestar replied grimly. "They only come in black."

"Aw." The she-cat dropped her head, and disappointed meows echoed from the other she-cats and queens. The toms, however, perked up considerably. Oakheart, Tallstar, and Runningwind were grinning at each other so fiercely it looked painful.

"Black is a manly color." Oakheart mewed gleefully.

"There's no manlier color." crowed Tallstar.

"…Yeah!" Runningwind added helpfully.

Runningwind likes to contribute.

"But, Bluestar, I don't understand!" Whitestorm exclaimed. "How can we afford this? Those phones are expensive!"

Everytom in Starclan whipped around and glared at him.

"Are you insane?" Stumpytail hissed, his ironically extra-long tail swishing agitatedly behind him. "Any price is worth getting rid of these Razors!"

"Listen, I have nothing against these phones." Whitestorm hastily defended himself, "I want Androids as much as the next cat, but we don't have the budget."

Every cat stared at him, confused. Bluestar looked uncomfortable but no cat noticed.

"Oh my Starclan." Whitestorm meowed, exasperated. "We're cats. We don't have money. We don't even have mice because we're dead and we don't need to eat so there's nothing to hunt here. What part of this don't you under-"

"Whitestorm," Tallstar placed a placating paw on the white tom's shoulder. "If you'd rather have pink things, that's fine. We won't judge you, just be honest-"

Whitestorm growled, and Bluestar quickly jumped between the two.

"Alright, I knew this would come out eventually. I have a bit of a confession to make." Bluestar hesitated, then blustered, "I made a deal with Billgatesstar to get us the Androids cheaply."

"What was this… deal?" Whitestorm meowed quietly.

"I… I had to get all of us Zunes."

The clearing was silent as the Starclan cats looked on in horror.

Bluestar clenched her eyes, hanging her head. It was easily the hardest decision she ever made in her entire life/afterlife. Oh Starclan, she was so sorry-

"You. _What._" Yellowfang meowed slowly.

Loudbelly's belly grumbled in anger. Fuzzypelt shook his fuzzy pelt in agitation. Runningnose sniffled indignantly. Heavystep rose to his paws furiously, but stumbled as his dense feet sunk into the ground. Mumblefoot mumbled curses under his breath. Stumpytail leapt into the Water of the Stars and tried to drown himself.

"What's a Zune?" Shrewpaw asked, confused.

"You were very young." Bluestar explained. "Long ago, Microsoftclan tried to challenge Appleclan. Appleclan was taking lots of territory because of iPods, so Microsoftclan tried to counter with the Zune. It didn't work." Bluestar lowered her eyes in shame. "They made me take the excess Zunes. They have thousands and thousands just lying around."

There was another silence.

"I-I guess I'll just pass these out." Bluestar murmured, wandering through the crowd and dropping Androids and Zunes in front of each cat.

"How could you?" Brindleface whispered at Bluestar, eying the Zune resting innocently at her paws. "I trusted you."

"I never trusted you, but I'm going to get mad anyway." Graypool commented dryly, rolling her eyes when Bluestar gave her the technology.

A furious yowling came from the Water of the Stars. Stumpytail had just realized that he didn't need to breathe in the first place, so he couldn't drown. He just stayed down there for the rest of the story, ignoring the Android and the Zune when Bluestar dropped them in the pool.

"Just think of the Android. Just think of the Android." Oakheart muttered frantically as he received the Android and the Zune. "No more pink Razors. No more pink Razors."

"Wow, the Zune plays music! I kind of like this thing!" Gorsepaw exclaimed. Deadfoot promptly socked him in the face.

"Bluestar, I've been wondering." Whitestorm meowed while pawing through the Android apps. "Why do _you _lead most of these meetings? What happened to the founders?"

_Meanwhile, at the back of the crowd…_

"What odd devilry is this?" Thunderstar thundered, glaring thunderously at the Android and the Zune. "Pray tell, surrah; methinks thou hath not seen such mysterious objects."

"Alas, thine reasoning is sound." Riverstar also thundered. "The infernal Razors puzzled me greatly, yet as soon as I mastered their workings, thy clanmate snatches t'away and dares to present me with these."

"Do not waggle thy tongue so imprudently at Bluestar," Windstar scolded, "I do beseech thee: understand her actions. Ye shall not judge her too harshly."

"Pray pardon me, my dear clamperton," Shadowstar meowed dryly, "I shall only judge her as I would a warrior crying after a scratch."

Thunderstar and Riverstar chuckled at her comment while Windstar sulked.

"What are they saying?" Shrewpaw meowed at his companion, bewildered, "Are they even clan cats?"

"I don't know." Larchkit replied, her eyes wide in confusion. "I've never heard anycat speak like that before." The two quickly padded away, glancing nervously at the ancient leaders.

Thunderstar glanced longingly at the empty patch of starry grass Shrewpaw and Larchkit had occupied. "Why doth everycat flee from us?" He thundered mournfully. Thunderstar is a huge softie.

Riverstar licked his long, glossy fur, preening himself. "'Tis thy shameful odor." He mocked, "It overpowers the mind."

He frowned, saddened. "Pray tell me 'tis but a joke!" Thunderstar meowed at the two she-cats, feeling distinctly un-thunderous.

Shadowstar was tempted to keep up the teasing, but decided to be kind. "He is merely jesting, o-ever-sensitive Thunderstar." She sighed.

"Perhaps 'tis my age." Thunderstar glanced at the Zune and the Android (thunderously). He panicked slightly. "None shall look upon me with favor until I possess knowledge of this… 'Android', and especially this 'Zune'."

"Er, perhaps not the Zune." Riverstar cut in quickly.

"Thunderstar," Windstar meowed comfortingly, "We shall always look upon thou with favor, no matter thy troubles with these machines." She prodded the other two leaders and they nodded in agreement; Shadowstar grudgingly and Riverstar absentmindedly while staring at a pretty she-cat a couple fox lengths away.

"Ah, my dearest rivals," Thunderstar meowed a bit thunderously, "We are the stuff of legends. Every clan cat respects me, no matter my difficulties, yes?"

"Of course." Windstar lied. _Stupid tom._


	14. Group Therapy and a Dream

**FAQ AND ANSWERS FROM THE AUTHOR:**

Q: What vague time-period is this story in?

A: In between Sunset and the Power of Three. However, this story will most-likely NEVER enter the Power of Three timeline.

Q: What is a Zune?

A: Look it up. A Zune was Microsoft's version of an iPod that they tried to market but failed miserably. They obviously failed because most of you have no idea what it is.

Q:What is a Razor?

A: God I feel old. A Razor was a very popular flip-phone about 5-6 years ago. They came in multiple colors and were pretty much the definition of awesome. Look it up in google images for pretty pictures.

I'm going to school soon, so updates are... unlikely?

* * *

"Good evening." Barkface meowed from his place in the circle. "We were about to start."

"Sorry." Crowfeather replied, jumping down from the log and padding over. "It's a little far to come here from Windclan territory."

"Shadowclan camp is farther." Rowanclaw growled from his place in the circle. "Shut your mouth. It's gonna be a pain coming here every moon."

"If you don't want to come, be my guest." Crowfeather shot back.

"You can be _my_ guest." Blackclaw murmured seductively.

"Everyone! Please calm down!" Barkface interrupted. "Blackclaw, stop that. Now, I know today is our first day of group therapy. Let's all say hello."

Ferncloud mewed pleasantly from Barkface's left. Rowanclaw muttered something insulting while glaring at Blackclaw, who was throwing everyone thinly-disguised bedroom eyes. Smokepaw mewed a muffled "Hi there!" while licking a patch of fur on his butt. Cloudtail was shaking, his eyes glancing side to side. "The grass LIED." He muttered. "I MUST avenge Tallpoppy's left ear."

There was a moment's pause as Cloudtail's words sunk in.

"…Let's get started." Barkface nodded at Rowanclaw. "Why don't you go first?"

"What if I don't wanna?" Rowanclaw sneered.

The medicine cat rolled his eyes. "Seriously? You've dragged yourself all the way to the island for _group therapy._ _Share with the group_."

Rowanclaw snarled moodily and sat up on his paws. "Hello," He meowed sullenly, "I'm Rowanclaw, and…" He cleared his throat a bit nervously. "I'm not entirely sure what gender I am."

There was a pause.

"You are a tom." Smokepaw reminded him. Smokepaw likes to be helpful.

"It's more complicated than that!" Rowanclaw snapped.

"Please go on." Barkface meowed soothingly.

"We had just finished our journey to the lake from the old forest." Rowanclaw's irritated expression slowly melted away as he reminisced. "I had just finished a patrol with Talonpaw. I went to sleep and then… I woke up as a tom. I had a branch and berries, instead of a… you know. If you know what I mean."

"Oh, I _know_ what you mean." Blackclaw meowed in a sultry tone. Ferncloud looked shocked and appalled, vainly trying to cover Smokepaw's precious virgin ears. Smokepaw himself was wide-eyed and confused from the innuendo. Barkface sighed at the immaturity. Crowfeather looked faintly disgusted. Cloudtail just giggled.

"So, how did you feel afterwards?" The medicine cat continued.

"How did I feel?" Rowanclaw scoffed. "It was terrible. I was running around, yowling my _brains_ out, but, weirdly enough, all of those _fox-brained idiots_ in my clan didn't notice anything. Littlecloud just told me to take it easy and get some rest." He sniffed indignantly. "It was like I was a tom my entire life."

"Maybe you were a tom your entire life." Smokepaw's eyes sparkled at his revelation.

"Maybe you were dropped on your head when you were a kit." Rowanclaw growled at Smokepaw.

"Nope! I was an apprentice when I fell on my head." The dark-gray tom corrected cheerfully.

"…What."

"Well, I fell off a cliff on our journey to the lake, but no one looked for me! So I had to travel back all the way by myself!" Smokepaw continued.

"Why isn't anyone paying attention to me?" Crowfeather complained.

Nobody listened.

_ Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…_

Firestar was cold.

His fur was as fluffed as fluffed fur. He shivered deeper into his nest of moss and bracken, yet sleep would not come.

"Good morrow, Firestar."

His eyes flew open in shock.

He was in Fourtrees again, the massive oaks safe and untouched by Twoleg destruction. The stars sparkled above him, while the crescent moon shined down serenely.

Before him stood Thunderstar, the bravest cat in history in all his glory. His fur glowed in the moonlight. His eyes gleamed with long-forgotten secrets. His paws radiated power.

"Firestar, thou art my greatest, my wisest. My most deserving of thanks." Thunderstar thundered approvingly.

Lightning flashed behind him in a very artistic manner. Thunder thundered thunderously.

He frowned at Firestar's confused face. "What troubles thee, o noble warrior?"

"Sorry, Thunderstar," Firestar confessed. "I'm honored and whatever but… this is my first dream-meeting with Starclan in years. Why can't you just text me… me..?" Firestar trailed off nervously at the downcast look of the legendary leader, and tried to recover. "I mean, this is great. I've always wanted to meet you! But whenever I get these dream-meetings, I don't really feel well rested when I wake up… and I really like my sleep…"

At this point, the author has decided that the verb "Thunder" has been used too often in this story. We shall now substitute Thunderstar's thundering with different verbs, for the sake of ending repetition. Just assume he is thundering.

"O greatest of my legacy," Thunderstar giggled, "the eternal enemy – time – hath nearly vanquished me. Prithee, I wish to learn."

"What?"

"Teach me the ways of technology." He sang, placing the Android on the ground.

Firestar stared. "Is… is that a phone?"

"Aye."

"It's… gorgeous." Firestar breathed admiringly. "Great Starclan, it's got touchscreen…"

"Anon, impart the workings of thy brain. Aid me!" Thunderstar trilled.

"I… can't." The ginger tom sighed. "I honestly can't. I'm sorry. I don't know anything about these new phones."

Thunderstar sat down in shock. "By my troth." He yodeled, devastated. "My fate is sealed."

"I would if I could, but I'm so… old! I'm terrified that no one will respect me and-"

"-everycat shall mock my misfortune-"

"-Sandstorm will never tell me the freaking spa story-"

"-I shall never find a beautiful lass-"

"-even my own daughters think I'm a loser-"

"-I am simply a knave, a prattler, a shandy clamperton indeed-"

"-'normal' male pattern baldness, she said. I'm 8 years old, who becomes bald at _8 years_-"

"-No cat _uses_ such language anymore! I, er, am… stupid? Forsooth, 'tis the modern description of a knave, aye?"

"…Yeah. Sure."

The two ginger toms shared a sigh.

"Alas, farewell, Firestar." Thunderstar squawked. "Perhaps I shall ask another for help."

Thunderstar rose to his feet and padded away. The timeless image of Fourtrees dissolved into a silvery dust, and Firestar awoke in his nest of moss.

_ Meanwhile, back at the ill-fated therapy meeting…_

"So then, I told him, 'I'm having kits again!', and all he did was shudder and reply 'We could probably form a whole new clan with just us and our kin, seriously.' Who _says_ that?" Ferncloud finished angrily.

"It's kinda true." Rowanclaw replied disdainfully. "You have, like, 300 kits."

"You must be quite the mother." Blackclaw purred smoothly. "I really like that in a she-cat."

"Where are the lizards I asked for?" Cloudtail narrowed his eyes at a bewildered Smokepaw. "WHERE ARE THEY."

"Just ignore him." Crowfeather told Smokepaw, sneering. "He's here because he's been hitting the catnip."

"Anyway," Barkface meowed loudly. "Who hasn't gone?"

"Erm." Crowfeather said eloquently.

"Ah, yes, Crowfeather." Barkface nodded. "Go on."

"Um." Crowfeather was quite the linguist.

"Come on." Barkface meowed impatiently. "We haven't got all night. Go through the format. Hello. My-"

"-name is Crowfeather, and…" He took a deep breath. "I've somehow impregnated a she-cat without my knowing…?"

There was a long silence. Even Cloudtail was quiet.

"I don't understand." Smokepaw gave Ferncloud a questioning look. Ferncloud just backed away slowly, fearing the worst.

"Tell me your secrets." Blackclaw meowed creepily, his eyes wide. Ferncloud backed away from him as well.

"I never should've come to this thing." Rowanclaw groaned.

Cloudtail was on his back, thrashing around and purring wildly. Everyone ignored him.

"How do you know?" The medicine cat asked.

"Well… it all started when I was missing my girlfriend Feathertail." Crowfeather began. "Since she's dead."

Blackclaw nodded sympathetically. "Hate it when that happens."

"I'm pretty sure that led to my issues." The black tom meowed thoughtfully.

"What exactly is your issue?" Barkface meowed curiously.

"I'm extremely attracted to she-cats I can't have. Leafpool because she's in Thunderclan AND a medicine cat. Feathertail because, well, she's dead, and she would've been in Riverclan anyway. I'm also dating Nightcloud but I don't really give 2 mouse craps about her; there's no adventure. The relationship is way too easy." He rolled his eyes. "And now I've somehow sired Mothwing's kits, which is bad because she's a medicine cat AND in Riverclan." ("Well, aren't you just a special snowflake." Rowanclaw muttered.) He sighed dramatically. "The ridiculous amount of she-cats attracted to my sullen attitude has led me to mating without my knowing."

There was another pause.

"…I'm pretty sure no amount of therapy will help you at this point." Barkface admitted.

"…Seriously?"

"Yeah. You're really screwed up."

"…Oh." Crowfeather meowed. "Well, crap."


	15. The Evil Chapter

Well, it's been about a year. How is everyone?

Sometimes, you want to give up. Sometimes, you tell yourself _yep, I'm done with Fanfiction._

And then you check your old email and find the most ridiculous reviews. I can't believe I'm at 95 favorites and 344 reviews; the 16th most favorited Warriors story on Fanfiction. This is insanity. You guys are insane. It's great, I love it, don't change!

This chapter is un-officially named "Plot Development." You're welcome.

* * *

It was a good day in the Dark Forest.

The sun wasn't shining. The moon wasn't shining either. Actually, nothing was shining. It was the Place of No Stars, after all. There were no birds. No mice. No squirrels. Not even frogs. Just dark, shadowy trees in dark, shadowy fog.

Cats roamed around this deserted wasteland of an afterlife, bumping blindly into the dark, shadowy trees because there was no source of light. They thought evil thoughts. They practiced their evil laughs. They played Star Wars: Angry Birds on their new Androids to pass the time.

Tigerstar himself was having an amazing time. He woke up that morning (night? day?), stretched, and walked around for a bit, listening to the distant, whispering ghosts of dead cats who committed crimes so horrible they were banished to the forest literally saturated with evil.

He padded around cheerfully. He purred, thinking of his new Android. He laughed, thinking of foolish Starclan and their Zunes.

Speaking of his new Android…

_Hey Hey!  
You! You!  
I don't like your girlfriend.  
No w-_

"Hello?" He grumbled. _I should probably change that ringtone._

"Greetings, Tigerstar."

He frowned. "Who is this?"

"An ally."

"I meant your name." Tigerstar growled. "Who is this? How did you get this number?"

"All will be explained in due time, but first… I have a proposition for you. One that could lead to the destruction of all clans."

"…go on."

"One that could lead to the downfall of a nemesis of yours… Firestar, I presume?"

Tigerstar's eyes gleamed. "Yes," he hissed menacingly. "I do believe I am interested."

"Excellent." The voice on the phone laughed evilly.

Tigerstar joined in. They laughed together, joined in their mutual malevolence and generally horrible personalities.

It was a good day in the Dark Forest.

_Meanwhile, thousands of miles away…_

The hunter is silent.

She waits, claws slowly digging into the earth. Her ears are perked, listening. She is still, creeping as slowly as the sun across the sky. Her fangs are bare and gleaming in the hot, mid-day sun.

The prey is stupid.

It is a mouse, small and fragile, a brown dab of fur in the tall forest with its bed of deep green grass. The small woodland creature nibbles innocently, naively, stupidly, on the dark seed of a flower, completely oblivious to the hellish beast that lurks in the nearby bush.

The prey is named Carl.

Carl McMousenheimer is a middle-aged woodmouse with an overworked mouse-wife and twenty-two and a half (don't ask) mice-children at home. _What a terrible day it's been_, Carl thinks to himself as he chews thoughtfully on his seed. _I get fired from my mouse-job and my house-wife threatens to divorce me. She gave birth AGAIN and now I definitely won't remember any of my mice-children's names._

He gives a little mouse-sigh. _Maybe I should just name them all Carl._

The hunter is impatient.

She pads forward delicately, every white hair on her pelt staying perfectly still. She flexes her muscles and tenses, ready to jump, pounce, and kill-

_Baby, baby, baby oooh!_

_Like baby, baby, baby, nooo!_

_Like baby, baby, baby-_

"Cedarheart!" Snowpaw cried, sitting up on her haunches as she watches the mouse scurry away.

"Sorry! Sorry, sorry!" Cedarheart replied, fumbling with his phone.

"Seriously? This is the third time today you've scared off my prey! Just turn your text-messaging tone on silent! What kind of mentor are you!?"

He rolled his eyes dismissively. "All that's important is that you knew you could've caught it, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm-"

_Baby, baby, baby oooh!_

_Like baby-_

"CEDARHEART_!_ Are you SERIOUS? You have problems, okay? I like my phone but this is insane!" Snowpaw frowned. "Are you even listening to me?"

"What?" Cedarheart meowed absently as he texted rapidly on his phone.

Snowpaw growled, and swiped the phone out of his paws.

"Hey!" He yelped as the phone fell to the grass. "Stop that!" He pounced, trying to snatch up the phone before Snowpaw could see the screen…

But it was too late.

She stared at her mentor. "Y-you're texting… you're texting him?!"

"Shh!" He hissed, slapping a paw over the apprentice's mouth. "Be quiet. You don't know who could be listening." Cedarheart glanced around suspiciously. The author cursed, and hid behind a tree.

"I shouldn't be quiet!" She growled. "This is treason! Blackstar would kill you if he found out!"

"Look, Snowpaw. Let me explain." He meowed soothingly, placing a paw on her shoulder. "Do you remember the last gathering? When Blackstar was prank-called in front of all the clans?"

She groaned. "That was so humiliating. Yes, I remember. I can't believe none of us knew about prank-calling until then."

"Exactly. "His yellow eyes gleamed. "Listen. Blackstar's old. He's getting out of touch. He doesn't know about these phones. How can we respect a leader who so easily humiliates us?"

He lowered his voice til it was a quiet mew. "There are… others, who believe this too." Cedarheart meowed seriously. "We have decided to work together to topple the rule of all our technologically-challenged leaders. They refused to allow us to change, to adapt. They keep us using flip-phones while iPhones are abundant. Those tyrants! How dare they?" He growled.

"…So let me get this straight. You are planning to break the warrior code and betray our leader because he refuses to get is iPhones?" Snowpaw stared at her mentor incredulously. "That's the most mouse-brained thing I've ever heard."

He blinked. "If you join us, you get to prank-call Blackstar."

"…Seriously?"

"Yeah."

"…I'm in."

_Meanwhile, approximately one mile away…_

_This is Blackstar. Leave a message. …Okay, I made the voicemail box, now what do I do? I what? I have to end the message? Alright, I see- _BEEP._  
_

**You have 86 new messages.**

"You're a loser!" BEEP.

"You're just an elder growing old over and over. Die already!" BEEP.

"You're… uh, you're STUPID. Yeah. Take that, BLACKSTAR." BEEP.

"Why don't you leave the clan, rouge?! You only became leader because of Tigerstar anyway!" BEEP.

**Exit mailbox?**

"Yes, exit mailbox, great Starclan." Blackstar groaned, staring down at his flip-phone. _86 messages?!_ He thought, shaking his head in shock. "This is crazy. This is phone-warfare." He growled. The prank calls… they _don't stop coming._ _They are endless._ And, worst of all, they are getting _smarter. _They are no longer empty jokes. They are targeted towards Blackstar himself.

And he is powerless against them.

Blackstar sighed. _Only one option left._ With great reluctance, Blackstar pulled out his phone again, typing delicately with a single, extended claw.

**To: Firestar; Onestar; Leopardstar;**

**Message: **We need to talk.

**Send message?**

**Message sent.**

_Meanwhile, back at… wait, where am I? I can't see a thing; why is it so dark? …Hello? Anyone? Help me!_

_"_Greetings, my fellow traitors." Tigerstar roared from a tree branch. "I am glad all of you came. I have called this meeting for a great purpose… one that could lead to the destruction of our enemies."

"Yes…" Hissed one cat, his claws extending threatening.

"Finally…" a tom growled menacingly.

"Who's talking?" Another cat yelped, his head whipping around. "Who's here?"

"Shut up, Hawkfrost." The first cat rolled his eyes. "Tigerstar's talking. You get used to the darkness eventually."

"Yessss…." The second cat purred. "Let the darkness settle in your soul. Let it fill your heart and infect your mind…"

"Maggottail, you shut up too. You are trying way too hard. Also, who the heck named you Maggottail?"

Maggottail stiffened. "My beautiful mother named me!" He screeched, his foul breath leaking everywhere. Hawkfrost fainted from the stench. "You have a problem with my mother?!"

"Silence!" Tigerstar howled. "Listen to me, you dungbrains! I have received an evil proposition from an evil ally of ours in the Living World… He has offered us another opportunity to ridicule and humiliate our enemies, and destroy the clans once and for all. Now… who is with me?"

"Destruction, you say?" Maggottail growled.

"Humiliation, you say?" Thisleclaw purred.

"Evil, you say?" Clawface meowed reverently.

"Yes. A plan so horrifying that the great 'warrior' Firestar will have no choice but bow to our demands."

The evil cats rose to their feet (except Hawkfrost, who was still out cold).

They laughed together, evilly. It was a marvelous evil laugh. Their eyes gleamed with evil thoughts. They grinned at each other, feeling distinctly eviler today than before. They murmured lowly, discussing evil plots and generally having an evil time.

Tigerstar smiled.

It was a good day in the Dark Forest.


End file.
